Naturally, I?m talking about sex and relationships. Yeah, I know ? what else? However, it?s not just me and my quirky way of looking at things that has triggered this post (for once).
More or less by accident ? well via Twitter actually ? I came across this post from ?MyDevina? who describes her blog as, ?a fun, flirty, irreverent look at being sexy, single and over 30?. The post in question got me thinking, yet again, about relationships, friendship and all the rest and my eternal query, do we demand too much from each other and, indeed, from ourselves at times.
It?s a good post and it makes sense if you have the time to pop over and take a look at the full article here. The gist is that we have sometimes have a tendency to compare the new partner in our life with the old one ? perhaps not always as generously as we should. I guess that would be: if only he/she had been different, or things had worked out another way. Thus the piece highlights the fact that it can on occasions be hard to let go of the past and also suggests a few pretty logical reasons why. Like I said, it?s a good post?
Nevertheless, the part of the post that particularly sparked my thoughts was really just this bit near the beginning: ?During our official relationship we were not best friends, and our sex life was good but lacked some trust. After our breakup ? and time passing ? we became best friends and our sex life was awesome.? Of course, MyDevina is absolutely right and it does take time to develop a ?oneness? ? a mutual understanding that can result in incredible closeness. Even if your new significant other is going to turn out to be the much talked about and (certainly for some of us) perhaps mythical soul-mate of your life, you?re not going to immediately have that sort of intuition with someone you don?t yet really know, are you?
To me, there are a number of conclusions that could be drawn from all that. In the first place, one could, of course, say that best friends have better sex, but we know that?s not true because strangers who meet in the night can have awesome sex and best friends might want entirely different things in bed anyway. I think that a generosity of spirit is far more important ? wanting to give pleasure as much as just wanting to selfishly enjoy it (mixed together with a hefty dose of experience and knowledge of the mechanics involved for the opposite sex of course). That, though, is an attitude that best friends are more likely to feel and exhibit, don?t you think?
However, more importantly in my opinion, is the question this raises about relationships and our expectations from them. One thing that many women go on about endlessly (not unreasonably and I?ve mentioned this before) is the subject of honesty. I have often wondered if the reality isn?t that, if we could all be totally honest about our wants and desires without pressure from others, preconceived ideas about artificial ?right and wrong? conventions and what we should have, feel and expect, most women simply want something very different from a relationship than most men. I don?t mean by that just physical side either ? not just the old clich? ?he only wants me for one thing?, though I don?t see what?s wrong with that either ? it?s solely the dishonesty involved that makes it unacceptable, in my opinion. The difficulty with that is, of course, the guy who?s totally honest and says at the outset that, ?it?s just sex and I don?t want to wake up in the morning next to you? isn?t going to get laid very often, is he? Or at least not with the average woman he might find attractive when they have both grown up with their current fixed ideas about conventional relationships.
But, as I said, it?s not just about the sex. Doesn?t the piece I quoted suggest that, when you?ve gone through the initial relationship bit and it hasn?t worked out, but you actually like the ex, then the pressure?s off? Thus, you can at last be yourselves ? both of you! Gone is the (self inflicted) need to pretend that you feel or want something different from what you do because you know it?s what the other wants and, if you actually had something special together, even though it wasn?t all each of you wanted, that part where you were great together can flourish and become wonderful.
Everyone?s different, of course, and so is every relationship, but aren?t our preconceptions and the conventions we have grown up with and acquired since, the real problem with many if not most relationships that don?t work out long term? Do we in fact just expect too damned much from others and even from life itself? Perhaps the perfect life ? the ?American dream? if you like (for my friends in the US) ? is just an ideal that most of us will seek and not actually find. If you have found it, then good luck to you and my advice for what it?s worth is to hang onto it for dear life. Do, though, just take the time and trouble to ?read between the lines? to make sure that your partner really does view your relationship in the same light, whatever he or she says ? honesty cuts both ways!
Source: http://af1blog.wordpress.com/2011/07/08/is-there-a-better-way/
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