Lack of commitment is often the reason we give for a failed relationships. One partner normally carries the blame for this, but the truth is that both partners will be responsible. Commitment is one of the least understood aspects of romantic partnerships because we often lack the emotional awareness to understand why it can be difficult to achieve in a long-term relationship. Commitment is really about our willingness to heal our own insecurities.
When we do not feel committed to somebody we are afraid that we will not be able to love them for ever. We may well have fallen in love and been convinced of our commitment in the early stages of the relationship, but as time progresses the doubt sets in. We may also fear that our commitment to one person will mean that we will lose something we feel is vital to our happiness such as freedom, autonomy or sex. We may feel trapped in a relationship, with feelings of claustrophobia and lack of control. There will be a strong temptation to end the relationship and see if there is somebody who will make us happier.
Deep down, our fear of commitment comes from a feeling that we are not good enough and that nobody, including us, deserves or can achieve continuous loving attention. Our lack of self-esteem is projected out into our relationship. We do not really have faith in the power of love to solve problems and maintain our relationship through the inevitable ups and downs. This lack of self-belief usually originates when we are very young and is then accentuated during the challenges of adult life. In looking for a partner we are trying to find somebody who will heal our insecurities and make us feel happy. Unfortunately nobody can do this for us and if we are unwilling to work on our own issues we will tend to search for the rest of our life for the ?perfect? partner. Of course, these people do not exist.
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The Way Through Commitment Issues
Commitment in a relationship means that we believe wholeheartedly in the power of love and our ability to work to heal any issues with our partner which create problems and increase the emotional distance. Commitment is therefore about a willingness and determination to communicate about our feelings and work with our partner to heal our insecurities. Anybody can commit in the good times, but it takes courage to maintain it through the more difficult phases of a relationship.
We must change our mindset from the assumption that our lack of commitment is due to deficiencies in our partner. Any judgments that we have about our partner are really projections of our own self-judgment. This is why our ability to commit comes from our ability to find self-love. As we learn to drop our own self-judgment and build self-esteem, we will feel more love for our partner and then we will then find it easier to commit.
Perversely the solution to a lack of commitment is to commit! As you do so, your doubt will disappear and you will reveal the truth of the relationship. With commitment a relationship becomes deeper and more intense, making up for the perceived loss of breadth that you believed was the price for commitment. Commitment is a recognition of our state of connectedness to another person and is built on our intention to remove any issues that prevent a realization of this. As we commit, we see more and more beauty in our partner and our mutual love carries the relationship forward in a sustained and loving bond.
Peter Granger is an acclaimed relationship counsellor and life coach. He runs relationship and self-development workshops in the UK. For more relationship advice and help go to http://www.iloveyouloveme.com
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